14:47 <banana> There are Christmas lights strung on the Eccles high street, visible from the Empanading rooftop but not illuminated despite the day's gloom. 14:48 <banana> It's a nice day for a rooftop picnic, assuming you don't consider constant light wind and sub-ten-degree temperatures and constantly overcast conditions to be nice. It doesn't bother Mari, and there's a lot more fresh air up here than in the basement. 14:49 <tom> Fuck it's cold. Bob heaves the garbage into the bin; it's the same make as the one he fell into with a sprig of yew and went far, far away. 14:49 <tom> He's climbing up the ladder to join her. 14:53 <banana> Mariam's got the blanket out (the one with a torn-up underside that they don't mind getting filthy on the shop roof), as well as some cordial and a little bottle of brandy for warmth. The menu's potato salad, cheeses and actual empanadas - if you don't have them TOO often they never seem to get old. 14:55 <tom> He's red in the face as he's hauling himself up onto the roof. It's just the extra weight from all the crap in his pack. Some tins of foil-wrapped leftovers, the bottled drinks, and a weird hexagonal metal box that he sets on the roof between himself the Lost girl, placing a square hexamine fuel tablet within and fucking around with a lighter until it catches. 14:55 <banana> Mari: "There's tinsel down there and even some bits of holly. It's still six weeks away, like." 14:55 <tom> "Every winter, Christmas creeps earlier into the year. We're winning the war, baby." 14:56 <banana> "Against whom?" 14:56 <tom> Warmth blooms inside the small stove; it doesn't put out much light, but there's enough toastiness for the two of them. 14:58 <tom> Bob ponders this: "Do you guys not have the War on Christmas here? Shit." 14:58 <tom> He rubs hids hands over the stove before joining her on the blanket. He goes for the brandy. 14:58 <banana> Mari: "Oh. Well, that depends on whether you read the Sun." 14:59 <banana> "But yeah... happy holidays." She smiles. It occurs to Bob that he doesn't actually know whether she even celebrates Christmas. 15:00 <tom> Pop goes the cork. He fills a pair of glasses. 15:02 <banana> Mari: "Ciara called earlier. She says thanks for the loan of the truck." That's the friend from uni with whom Mari was doing work shadowing, Bob thinks. 15:02 <tom> Bob suggests a toast: "To getting better and not worse?" 15:03 <banana> "Yeah, let's do it and not do it. Respectively." 15:03 <tom> "Yeah it's no problem. Hope the trucks' not too much a monster." 15:03 <banana> Clink go the glasses. 15:03 <tom> :) 15:03 <tom> "You really saved my life, baby." 15:04 <tom> He drinks. 15:04 <banana> Mari: "Wanna make a habit of it?" 15:05 <tom> "I got worse habits, sure," his laughter fades into a wistful sigh. The empty glass goes down on the rooftop. 15:05 <banana> Mari: "The truck is, umm.. not a particularly easy drive. I kind of enjoyed it, but I wasn't the one who would've needed life-saving - that would be the other people on the road. Could we practice at some point up on the farm?" 15:05 <tom> The foil-wrapped leftover steak goes onto the stove to warm up. In the meantime Bob loads up on potato salad. 15:06 <tom> "Sure, sure. Actually, I got Badawi lookin' around for a driver, if you don't mind it being a weird sister of one of her weird friends." 15:07 <tom> "You can drive if you want, 'course." 15:08 <tom> He wriggles out of his jacket; with the stove it's warm enough to do without. 15:08 <tom> "So uh... I wanted to ask uhm... about your birthday." 15:08 <banana> Mari looks up with her eyes narrowed beneath wisps of dark hair. "Why would I not drive? I can go through the mirror, B, carbon-free... if you want me to cut back on that, it's something I'm going to get good at myself." 15:09 <tom> "Oh, no, it's great... I just didn't know if you'd be comfortable with driving everywhere... you're a city gal, is all." 15:11 <tom> He rubs the back of his neck. 15:11 <tom> ...Turns over the foil-wrapped meat on the stove. 15:13 <banana> Mari: "I used to be. Now I'm not sure I'm from anywhere... it's just, whatever I do regularly, I know I need to be able to do it well. That's one reason I don't do much. I feel like it's not safe to be a Renaissance woman... call it irrational if you like." 15:15 <tom> Bob Goreman: "Oh, I'm on a very firm footing to decide who is rational." 15:15 <tom> "Steak's heated up!" 15:16 <tom> He unwraps the foil and doles out the beef. 15:16 <banana> Mari: "Yayyy" 15:17 <tom> "I think... I mean... you don't gotta worry about being perfect, kiddo... I already think you're pretty great." 15:17 <banana> "Well, thank you." There's a bit of juggling, chewing and blowing on fingers. 15:17 <banana> "What did you want to ask? Are your birthday plans evolving?" 15:19 <tom> "I think your parents will hate me," Bob gulps. 15:20 <tom> "I think... I'm scared... of making any more people hate me." 15:20 <tom> "So that's why I don't wanna go." 15:21 <tom> "But I do want you to go, at least... because I'm stupid." 15:22 <tom> He chews on some potato salad. 15:22 <banana> Mari: "Uhhhm." She swallows a little too quickly and then takes a drink. "Hang on, this is a lot." 15:22 <banana> She's got a hand on Bob's arm while still coughing. 15:23 <tom> Bob goes to pat her on the back. "Shit you okay hun?" 15:23 <banana> Mari: "Yeah, it's just tracheal irritation." 15:25 <tom> Bob moves to wrap his arms around her. "Look, I think I get it." 15:25 <banana> "Bibi, it sucks so much that you have to feel that way. We've been meeting all these people together who think you're great, but this dark-side stuff is like... God, I've given you the wrong impression of Mum and Dad I'm sure." 15:26 <tom> "I'm sure they're great. Or, no, they're- well, they can't be worse than my parents." 15:26 <tom> "I don't even know if they're still- I mean, they might've died of covid, shit." 15:26 <tom> He sighs. "This isn't comin' out right." 15:27 <banana> Mari: "They might be weirded out due to parochial crap but they'd go out of their way to try, for.. it's like, it's my-- what do you mean?" 15:27 <banana> Now that's a conversational volley a Goreman can recognise. Mari doesn't at all mind the conversation going back to Bob's problems rather than her own. 15:28 <tom> Bob can receive and serve: "I haven't talked to my parents since they sent me to Tranquility Bay when I was fifteen." 15:28 <tom> He squeezes her shoulder. "Fuck them. You can still salvage this relationship." 15:30 <banana> Mari: "Waaaaala. The freaking bad kid camps?" 15:30 <tom> He smiles. "Jamaica!" 15:30 <tom> "...You heard about that shit over here huh." 15:31 <tom> He tries to keep up the pressure: "It's not too late to uh... fix things with your family, hun, maybe?" 15:32 <banana> Mari: "It's famous. One of those really fucked-up American things you don't even- look." 15:32 <banana> She shifts away abruptly. 15:32 <banana> "I know. I know I can do that. I KNOW it's my fault." 15:32 <banana> "Can we not have both of these conversations at the same exact time?" 15:33 <banana> "Or are you trying to use this horrible shit they did to you as like, a weapon against me somehow?" 15:33 <tom> Bob: D: 15:37 <tom> He has to act quickly if he's to save this: "Honey no- never, I don't-" 15:37 <tom> "The last thing I ever wanna do is hurt you." 15:38 <tom> "I mean maybe I'm fucked up and I- I lost my parents, for good. And maybe I'm stupidly just wanting to... you know.." 15:38 <banana> Mari... is upset. "Baby, I know that. It's just that the thing you do want are incomprehensible, or are about things that would make you feel better but involve someone else actually doing the work to change that feeling." 15:38 <banana> *the things 15:41 <tom> "Would it make you feel better, if you saw them?" 15:42 <tom> Bob rotates a few entrees closer to the stove and rips open another hexamine tablet. 15:43 <banana> "You don't understand that this isn't the same situation." The wind has picked up and clouds scud across the sky. Patches of bright and dim light alternate over the rooftop. 15:43 <banana> Mari: "My parents aren't bad people, they didn't send me away, they aren't the problem." 15:45 <tom> Bob hugs her close. In a soft voice: "Don't you dare say you're the problem." 15:45 <tom> "Don't you do it, kid." 15:46 <banana> Mari doesn't resist him, but she's not exactly participating in the hug. "The 'kid' thing is a lot sweeter when- when you're not telling me what I can or can't say." 15:47 <tom> "You really think that about yourself?" He's crestfallen. 15:48 <banana> “I know how good you are at mechanic shit honey. Do you want all the pieces of this problem to lay them out on a bench? It’s like.. if I don’t give you the manual you’re going to keep putting the parts together in ways that make no sense, and it fucking sucks for me, which isn’t fair to you.” 15:49 <tom> He nods glumly. 15:49 <banana> Mari: “So in self defense I’ve got to tell you this stuff which is like, you talk about not wanting to be hated? Who does? What kind of boring lucky person is actually safe without secrets?” 15:50 <banana> “Don’t pull this shit with people who aren’t in love with you.” 15:50 <tom> "Yes'm." 15:51 <tom> Quickly: "I love you too." 15:51 <banana> Mari: “Same, but listen: maybe you shouldn’t.” 15:52 <tom> He cuts up a section of reheated steak for himself. 15:52 <tom> ...And time for some of that cordial. 15:52 <banana> Mari will stand, and pace while talking. “It’s not like I don’t have the pieces of this laid out in my head, so it should make sense. I’ll try to cut down the details.” 15:54 <banana> “Growing up in an immigrant family, you know that much, only child... I was loved, taught what I needed to know, one and a half languages, great food. I didn’t fit in to this city, which is... not very... accepting sometimes, and I hated that. Blamed my community for it and they were like sure, she’s a rebellious child and will get over it. We will be indulgent. I also hated this.” 15:55 <banana> Mari: “So I kept rebelling, drawing away from my family. Ummi did not want me going into medicine but Dad was okay with it and like.. that part’s defensible. Obviously I’m not going be a conservative housewife just because I miss the old country, because I don’t! I’ve never been there and it looks like we got out just in time!” 15:55 <banana> “Anyway.” 15:57 <banana> “They - my parents - weren’t pleased by how much of a little shit I was being but they put up with it and we still got along. I was happy, happy to be getting away with rebellion and still, well, loved.” 15:58 <banana> Mari: “Fast-forward Arcadia. I got out and found that ‘I’ had been replaced by a new loving daughter who was pious and not very bright. ‘I’ was dropping out of university and studying the quran. Ummi and Dad loved ‘me’ and were maybe a little puzzled at the turn but.. ultimately, it was a blessing, right?” 15:58 <tom> Bob braces himself. 16:00 <banana> “I’ve never been angrier in my life. It was what I’d always suspected, who they wanted me to be. This constrained and pallid fake little girl who never gave any trouble or talked back to the community elders. Didn’t care about science, despite the actual genetics involved here, and her idea of helping people was social work at best.” 16:03 <banana> “So they didn’t understand what had happened. They believed me, kinda.. that I was taken away, held captive, I’d escaped now and this was all related, somehow, to the Other Daughter. And they were like okay, we’re not going to abandon anyone and we’re so happy you’re home. We’re a family of four now, like twins or something.” 16:04 <banana> “What could they have done better? I have no idea. There’s no- it wasn’t wrong or anything. But how could I live with that?” 16:05 <banana> “How could I be the one who insists she’s ‘real’? While going back to all the bad habits and impieties? How was it fair to me to be the one who has to be a shithead about it?” 16:06 <banana> “I hate her and she hasn’t done anything wrong. All they wanted was for us to both be happy. I couldn’t live with that. It wasn’t enough, to me, for me to be okay. I had to demand that- that my own parents have to change, not be who they are, that their other daughter has to not be happy, or real, or alive maybe?” 16:07 <banana> “The Hill was there, and my studies, I had to start from scratch... learning this new world, clawing back into a place in the old one. I couldn’t.. engage. I couldn’t stay engaged with their too-broad love.” 16:07 <banana> Mari: “I can’t trust that I’m their daughter when they’ll accept someone who isn’t me. Who’s not-me in the ways they fucking fantasised about.” 16:08 <banana> “Bob, I am entirely the problem.” 16:09 <banana> “I’m in the wrong. I’m being unfair, irrational and unkind. And yet- I carry on and I don’t even feel guilty about it some of the time.” 16:10 <tom> Bob: "That means you're for sure the human one." 16:11 <banana> Mari sits abruptly- on an airconditioner, not the blanket. More washing to do later. “I mean, she has emotions probably.” 16:11 <tom> "You know, a friend of mine uh, said something that helped me..." 16:11 <banana> Mari looks down at him, although only because of where she’s seated. 16:12 <tom> "Love isn't, uh, deserved, people choose... you can't earn affection." 16:13 <tom> "What if you were a long-lost orphan, and you just found out they were your family? Would it sting less, then?" 16:13 <banana> There’s no anger in her voice when she says, “What?” 16:14 <tom> "They got their 'perfect' daughter, and they still... you know, they still love you." 16:14 <tom> "If you just started over from scratch, would it be any different?" 16:15 <banana> Mari: “...yes?” 16:15 <tom> "Would it take you toward being better and away from being worse?" 16:15 <banana> “You mean if there weren’t like.. twenty-eight years of history and relationships and personality shaping stuff?” 16:15 <banana> “I don’t get what you actually mean.” 16:22 <tom> "I mean that..." -oh gosh, I'm fucking this up so bad- "What does she think? Learning like... she's got this perfect family, this perfect life, and then the real her shows up... " 16:22 <tom> "From then on it's just this lie, isn't it?" 16:23 <banana> Mari: “Definitely sounds like something I should be more curious about, right?” 16:23 <banana> “I would be, if I thought she was.. some sort of alternate version of me.” 16:23 <banana> “But that’s not how it works. They make an understudy out of straw and give her a script.” 16:24 <banana> “Maybe it’s a fun role to play, maybe not... or maybe it’s fine until the lead comes back and ruins it, like.” 16:25 <tom> "It's gotta be hard to play your part without your good looks-" He takes her by her hand and, closes his eyes for a moment, opening them to see her again, for real. 16:26 <banana> The Winter air is colder around Mari than Bob’s ever seen it today. There’s frost on her eyelashes and along the dark hair of all her limbs. 16:27 <tom> "You shouldn't feel bad for being angry as fuck." 16:27 <tom> "There isn't a day that goes by I don't wish to God that shit would just go back to how things used to be." 16:28 <banana> Mari: “I’m sorry about your parents, or about who they chose to be.” 16:30 <banana> “I didn’t want you to get the impression that the bir-Medwars are like that!” 16:30 <tom> "It's whatever. I'm working on making a new family," He'll cuddle her close, if she doesn't push him off. "It does get easier." 16:31 <tom> "I don't think they understand they can't understand." 16:31 <banana> “Yeah. They’re doing the best they can, and I’ve apparently rendered judgement in my brain that it isn’t good enough.” 16:34 <tom> "If that were totally true, you wouldn't feel so fucked up about it," He murmurs. "It wouldn't be eatin' you up." 16:34 <tom> "Brain problems rule." 16:36 <banana> Mari: “They do not. The diagnostic criteria are subjective and the treatment ranges from sedatives to indoctrination.” 16:40 <tom> Bob wraps his jacket around her and starts to gather up the picnic. "I'd let you indoctrinate me any day, hun."